a draw full of balls

When my father started to die I left him in a nursing home calling out: "You're taking me
home .. right? You're taking me home………"…..
I left him there…. I drove my mother home… later that day I found a rubber ball and kept squeezing it… determined to make it pop…. Like my heart………oh!!! This is bad……. But it is something I did and felt….
maybe my life is a bad poem…….. Maybe life is a bad poem………. Death toooo
it took my dad about a year and a half to die…. In and out of nursing homes (mostly in....
two or maybe three different homes……….
I continued trying to squeeze the air and life out of these rubber balls …..
Almost always with one in my hand… especially when I went to see dad…..
the day he died I spent 18 hours with him…….watching him try to breahte……..
I spent 18 hours squeezing a rubber ball…….. Toward early morning he started to
breathe softer / easier.. every now and then he would open his eyes and look at me…….
when he looked at me I wasn't there … neither was he………I continued squeezing the ball…   I said things to him that meant nothing and he understood nothing…….
maybe we were saying goodbye… maybe not…………. About 8 a.m. in the morning
he was breathing easier and sleeping…. My mother and sister came and I left him
with them……. I drove the hour home squeezing the rubber ball.... tired and looking
forward to sleep …. I was just getting into the shower when I got the call that he died..
I got immediately back into my car to go be with my mom….. I didn't need to see my
father…… I had just spent 18 hours not seeing him…………………………..
on the drive I cried and I kept squeezing the rubber ball……. I could not split it in two…
I was surprised ………….  I thought I was stronger than that …… my father too….........
All the times I went to see him in the past year and a half I always gave him a rubber ball
....................almost every time…...........................................
I always shook hands with him and commented on his still strong always strong grip……
I told him to squeeze the ball, keep squeezing the ball until it popped…..... or else just hold on to it untill there was no more reason to squeeze it anymore ..............